A Garden Party

fairy garden

Silently we lie belly down in the grass, eyes wide open, breath drawn, gripping each other’s hands in excitement, anticipation mounting. We have been here before multiple times over the past few months, each time sure that the previous had been nothing more than figment of some shared magical moment.

We look at each other, mouths stretching into wide grins, happy just to be together, sharing this moment of anticipation. Far too excited to continue looking at something as mundane as her mother, my sweet child squeezes my hand and turns her bright face back down the hill toward the row of not-yet-lighted miniature garden lamps swaying lazily on their hooks inches from the ground.

The sun slowly begins to kiss the horizon and the air seems to tangibly shift from a clear light to a liquid honey, tantalizing my sense of smell with each inhale.

“Mamma, look!” The words are a mere whisper on the wind as she gestures towards the daisy beds at the bottom of the garden where the bumble bees bounce from bloom to bloom, seemingly defying the laws of physics as they keep their heavy bodies aloft through the exertions of tiny translucent wings.

From the other side of the garden a kaleidoscope of butterflies kiss the honeysuckle wound around the garden arch.

As the daylight fades the lamps begin to glow, casting golden semi-circles of light on the ground beneath them. As if drawn by the light, slowly a family of squirrels wriggle their way towards the lamps and are met by a pair of rabbits approaching from the other direction. They meet by the lamps and touch noses, as if in greeting.

“Mamma! Did you see that? They spoke to each other!” I can feel the energy pulsing through her petite frame, her eyes glued to the scene unfolding beneath us. “It’s gonna happen, Mamma. Tonight. I can feel it!” She flattens her slight body into the ground, noticeably slowing her breath as if afraid any movement might break the spell.

My heart swells as I watch this dainty creature of mine visibly struggle to contain her bubbling enthusiasm. I feel the love for this child wash over me, her enthusiasm igniting my own and drawing me back to my youth and innocence.

I recall the days of crafting stories in my head about the magical worlds of backyard animals, how they lived and played, the troubles the encountered when facing the threat of en encroaching human world. My vision focused on the rabbit animations unfolding before me and attention tuned to the fabrications of my childhood dreams, a few moments pass before the purposeful nature of the actions unfolding beneath me crystalizes in my mind. The rabbits are taking position around the garden lamps.

As each one find his place in the garden another appears until every lantern has its own solemn sentinel, paw placed in delicate readiness on the glowing glass.

The darkness has grown thick around us and I squeeze my daughter’s hand as we silently watch the squirrels bow and retreat from the low border hedge as the leaves gently start rustling. Had I not been here before frequently throughout the summer I might not grasp the significance of such a minute motion, perhaps believing that the movement of the leaves indicated something which it did not.

The air is still, excepting the gentle flutter of wings, and the rustle of leaves gradually reveals itself to be the approach of this highly anticipated garden party.

In groups of three or four the delicate creatures, human in form but no larger than the tallest flowers, emerge from their hidden home in the hollow hedge, holding hands and kicking their minuscule feet and knees in what resembles a highland dance mashed with a rousing round of Ring-Around-the-Rosey. They dance and, barely audible over the rustling leaves and the evening’s orchestral tones, sing a music full of laughter and love, which invade every aspect of my heart, elevating me.

Hand in hand the creatures weave around the flower beds, bowing to the animal audience each in turn, terminating their advance in a circle at the center of the garden. The lanterns, held aloft by solemn rabbits, cast a hazy glow creating the illusion of a theatre in the round.

The garden party circles in time with the delicious sound of their tiny voices raised in praise of the delight of the evening, as slowly, one after the other, individuals break from the ring to perform his or her own individual physical interpretation of the night and music.

I break my gaze from the marvel below me to witness the pure and undiluted joy in the face of the girl dearest to my heart. Her light and innocence are breathtaking to behold.

“Mamma, there are fairies at the bottom of our garden!” They often have a dance on summer nights; the butterflies and bees make a lovely little breeze, and the rabbits stand about and hold the lights.* And we are the lucky two who are blessed by this enchanting joviality. I do not know why they chose our garden for their frequent fairy festivities but my heart tells me it is the innocence and imagination of my daughter who drew them. These otherworldly wonders surely are aware of our presence at their festivals of joy and celebration, and they approve.

The fairies dance on through the night as we watch them switching partners, changing the tune and tempo of their songs for each individual’s expression.

At long last the time comes to a close and our garden revelers retreat back to the outer circumference of their circle, each holding the hand of the companion on either side, and bow to each other. They turn to the animals—-birds, butterflies, bees, squirrels and rabbits—-who have assisted in the merrymaking, bowing low and respectfully to them before slowly melting into the shadows and returning to their mysterious home.

With the departure of the performers, the magic of the night seems to dissipate and the animal audience disbands, each turning homeward in his own way and time.

After a silent moment stretching through the cooling night air, my daughter turns to me, voice still hushed by the magic of what has just passed before our eyes, “We are the luckiest people in the world, Mamma. I will always believe in magic.”

I smile at her and silently agree. I kiss her forehead. “Yes, my love. I hope you always do. The world is a magical place if you’re open to it.”

*This story was inspired by a quotation from  Fairies and Chimneys by Rose Fyleman. It was an exercise in creating a world around another’s words.

Leave a comment

Filed under children, fiction, garden

A Tale of Childhood Body-Dysmorphia

BodyDysmorphia

“I have fat thighs!”

My jaw dropped and I could feel my heart crack open as I heard those words come from the mouth of my 6-year-old daughter strapped into her booster seat on our way home from school. I must have misheard her.

“What was that, baby?”

“My thighs are fat! Look. When I’m sitting down they mush all together. It’s just gross.” I turned in my seat and looked at my beautiful girl staring forlornly at the relaxed muscles of her thighs, sure that it was fat she saw.

I wanted to cry. Right then and there, stopped at the red light, I wanted to cry. I almost did but realized that I had to take my emotions out of the equation and reach out to my daughter in a meaningful way.

I was a chunky child; there are pictures of me around the age of four or five in a pink ballet leotard and tights, which spawned a lifetime of Miss Piggy jokes.

I liked to read. I did not like to sweat. As I got older I began to appreciate sports more and I grew out of the chunky phase but I was never thin. I could never share clothes with my friends; they were always at least a size smaller than I.

In college when I put on the obligatory freshman 15 I was always told how lucky I was to be tall because people really couldn’t tell when I gained the pounds. Perhaps it was meant to be a compliment, but that chunky child from my past only heard, “You’ve gained weight again.”

It was this child who wanted to cry when I heard those awful words spring from the mouth of my beautiful and otherwise self-confident daughter.

My instant reaction was to tell her that she was most certainly not fat.

In fact, this little girl of mine is, in my opinion, verging on too thin. She is tall for her age and clothing supposedly in her size is either too short in the legs, causing her ankles to poke out, or too baggy around the waist, so she must constantly pull up her pants.

But her statement wasn’t about the reality of her situation or size. It was about perspective. Somehow or other my baby came to believe she was fat and that, I feel, is worse. Far worse.

But from where does this belief emanate? We don’t watch much television in our house, not out of any overarching philosophy about children and television. We simply don’t have cable because cable costs are high and most shows worth watching can be streamed over the internet. I know she didn’t get these ideas from watching television because when we watch, we watch together.

Her friends! My mind latched onto the idea that she must be getting these ideas from her school friends. And, yes, I suppose that is possible, but I think that by placing the blame on the words of other children I would have shifted the focus of the discussion irreparably.

Truth be told, it isn’t the television. It isn’t other children.

This sickness, this obsession with being thin, or more accurately, with not being fat, is an epidemic that permeates nearly every aspect of our society:  magazines, TV, movies, toys, everything.

Go to the supermarket and peruse the shelves; there is a non-fat or low-fat version of nearly every product. Calorie counts are on display on restaurant menus.  Every magazine on the rack has a dieting tip or and article about how to burn fat. Ten minutes spent on any social media site will inevitably bring a viewer to at least one comment about being fat or how to lose weight.

We have become a nation obsessed with weight. Sadly, we are obsessed with the wrong thing.

This conversation should not be about weight—it should be about health.

So, that’s how I answered her.

We talked about how different people come in different shapes just like they come in different colors and how the shape of a person’s body has no bearing on who they are or how we should receive them.

We talked about the importance of eating foods that are good for us, like the veggies we cultivate in our backyard garden, and how making healthy choices aids our bodies’ ability to create the energy and enthusiasm we want when we play.

We talked about how we should exercise to keep our hearts, minds and bodies functioning at full capacity; how the fact that she loves to run, climb, tumble, and practice Ju Jitsu is not only good for her but also a sign that she is eating well and maintaining her body as it needs to be.

We talked about how there is nothing wrong with eating desserts as long as we find balance and how the word “diet” should be stricken from the language. Food choices are food choices and as soon as we see ourselves imprisoned by the strict regulations of caloric intake we’ve lost the joy in the diversity of flavors available to us.

We talked about how taking care of ourselves and accepting ourselves is what is most important in this life.

Our dialogue has continued in this vein for months now.

She is only seven and may not quite understand it all right now, but we will continue to shift the focus from weight to health and maybe, someday, she will understand and be able to love herself more freely, regardless of body shape.

Leave a comment

Filed under children, health, memory, parenting

Snapshot on a Mountain

devilsladder

Tip of my right boot jammed in the crack between two large boulders, left foot dangling free beneath me, arms stretched above my head grasping at rocks much less secure than the one on which I was standing, I watched the mountain goats briskly bounce up the steep rocky slope with a dropped jaw and not a little awe. 

They made it look so damned easy.

Inspired and simultaneously chastised I reconsidered, perhaps a bit too late, my current undertaking: climbing Carantouhill, the highest mountain peak in Ireland.

The day had been fine and bright when it had begun, filling me with an optimism that could not be quenched, or so I had thought, until I reached The Devil’s Ladder and found myself at an impasse.  Clinging to the rock and looking around at the vista which unfolded beneath me and the formidable clouds closing in above me, I felt my importance in the world shrink and my inner admonitions began.

What was I thinking?  How could I have come out this unprepared?  Why couldn’t those damned goats show me the easy way up?

As I held on to the rock face I pondered surrendering, admitting defeat and returning the way I had come, a more humble and submissive person. I stretched the toes of my suspended left leg, reaching for purchase on the rocks beneath me when I spotted those that would unknowingly become my inspiration and temporary companions, a group of nine mountaineers having their own way with the mountain.

Leave a comment

Filed under adventure, Ireland, memory, travel