Category Archives: ancient history

Outward Bound

Rocky, Nancy & Dan

Much to my chagrin, I found myself deposited on my own isolated island in the middle of the Everglades, a muggy, mosquito infested little slice of nature. Resigned to spending a night alone in this dreamland – a nightmare of my school’s creation – I spread my mini-tarp half way between the the shore and the line of mangroves behind me, stuffed my sleeping bag inside the mosquito netting, and settled the bundle on the waterproof haven I hoped I had created – Oh, please, don’t let it rain! – before I brought myself down to the water’s edge, journal in hand, fighting the urge to make the worst of my predicament. Surly teen that I was, I rebelled against the very notion that I had be forced to spend a week in a swamp, learning “to use cooperation to solve group problems” and “sensitivity and respect for others.” I was freaking sensitive enough on my own without some idiotic organization telling me how to behave!

I perched on that shore prepared for my night of seclusion fielding mixed emotions: after three days trapped in canoes with classmates, I reveled in the silence as I watched the sun set over the marshy terrain, but as dusk encroached so did my desire to be indoors away from the vampiric insectoid-companions beleaguering my solitude. My skin had grown three inches thicker with layer upon layer of sunscreen, sand, sweat, and repellant, so under the netting I went, daily journal requirement fulfilled with a flourish as I scribbled, “gorgeous sunset, but this sucks” in the middle of the damp pages of my bedraggled composition book.

The sun sets early in the winter months. My night would be never-ending.

As I lay in my netted bower, fingertips raised above my head in the deepening darkness to prevent the aggregating antagonists from puncturing the barricade I had erected around my tender, if somewhat begrimed, skin I thought, yes, this is what hell feels like. I could see miniature mosquito morphology landing on the net, multitudes. Waiting. Waiting for me to sleep and relax my defensive front. Then they would strike. Piercing my protective layer, sucking my blood in spite of the net.

Contemplating this fresh hell, I turned my head aside to find I was not alone. A small, masked bandit of the rodent variety squatted not four feet from my face, rubbing his tiny hands together, observing me observe him. Cute, I thought. I had no food. I had nothing he could want. I knew it and he knew it, but I was an oddity yet undiscovered in his terrain.

“S’up?” Why not? There was no one else to hear me talking to him. Seemingly startled by my greeting, he scampered off into the bracken behind me as I returned to my meditation on the delights of swamp life.

A faint rustling sound emanated from the void and I craned my neck to witness the approach of my recent acquaintance accompanied by his (or, to be fair, possibly her) much larger companion. Both stood in the spot he alone had formerly occupied, rubbing their tiny hands together, observing me observe them.

“Brought a friend this time? I still have nothing for you.” They blinked. In unison. “I’m really not much of an exhibitionist, folks…” More blinking.

Fingertips still holding the ‘skeeter screen aloft, I closed my eyes and hoped for sleep. Day break. The break of day. If I didn’t break first.

Eyes open again and a third had joined the crew. It’s a freaking hoedown, I glumly thought to myself. “I’ll call you Nancy, and you Danny Boy, and you,” I said pointing at the largest one, “you’re Rocky.” Apparently offended by my spontaneous musical outburst following the naming ceremony, my three voyeurs turned tail and returned to the cover of the undergrowth obscured by the night’s blackness.

Exhaustion overtook me and sweet sleep swept me into a dreamless daze.

Time is difficult to measure in an unfamiliar environment. How long had I been sleeping? I wasn’t really sure, but I woke with a start to the startling sound of screeching. Blood curdling screams. Disoriented and suppressing a rising panic, I lay still, motionless, in the dark. Behind me. The noises came from the opaque murkiness behind me. As I listened to the night noises I realized they originated from where the raccoons had retired. Rocky and his gang were going at it. Frisky raccoon festivities in full swing, the shrieks, howls, yowls, and squeals perforated the peace of the place.

Hands over my ears to block the sounds for what felt like years, my frustration mounted. Stuck in the humid heat, the odor emanating from my unwashed body stinging my eyes, exhausted beyond memorable recognition, I wanted to shout. I wanted to scream. I wanted to sob.

Instead I laughed.

As the sun brightened the sky to a dim grey and the clouds became visible in the pale light, the noises dissipated. The raccoon party disbanded, presumably each to his own den and I emerged from my cocoon, wearied and worn but amused. I opened my grubby but mandated memoir of the disastrous affair, turned to the next open page and scribbled, “beautiful morning, but this sucks.”

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Filed under adventure, ancient history, memory, travel

Musically Transported

Broken_CDs_by_Mikkaa87

It was always music, and not the sense of smell, that brought her memories closest to the surface of her conscious mind. Her playlists acted as time machines as she felt herself transported back through her memories and experiences to those moments when her inner soundtrack played. One song could stir-up the past in an explosion of emotion and a visceral recollection of a singular event in her life, or it could bring back the thoughts, sensations and perceptions of a period of time, a string of individual events that were all intricately tied together through the temporal tapestry of music.

She sat in a quiet alcove, earbuds carelessly pushing into her sense of the present, and was suddenly slapped across the face with the past, whipping her attention from the here and now and dragging her back 5 years in fractions of seconds. The library before her faded from her mind and was replaced by an image of a crumpled heap of desperation practically prone on the polished pine-wood floor of an empty room—the largest of the house—no indication of the furniture that used to be present excepting the tumbleweeds of dust and cat hair that had long collected where the vacuum hose could never quite reach. Beside her lay a dustbin, caught mid-sweep and half full of the remains of the life that had once been lived in this room.

Her stomach summersaulted within as she sat up, absorbing the scene before her eyes: an empty house occupied solely by ghosts of past conversations and the soft plaintive voice sounding through the stereo speakers. She wiped the tears—both shed and unshed—from her eyes with the back of one dirty hand and reminded herself that to live was to move on, to get past this moment in time, to never be conquered by the actions and attacks of others.

Unaware how much time had passed since the moving truck had pulled away, she knew only that time seemed to extend out interminably in the darkness before her causing waves of panic to ebb and flow through her mind. Swallowing back pride and nausea in equal measures, the woman got to her knees and then her feet, walking out of the room to locate the last remaining clock in the house, the electric blue light glowing from the kitchen stove.

One hour. She had one hour before she needed to collect the children from their grandparents’ house and bring them to a newly father-free dwelling. The baby would understand nothing but the raw emotion dripping from his mother’s heart; the child, however, she would know. She would realize and the mother needed to clean the room that had once held father’s computers, TVs and gaming equipment so she could encourage her daughter to create a new space designed just for the children, a playroom in which all of their joys could obscure the memories of past tension.

Walking back into the empty room, the woman picked up the broom and swept the remnants of the past into piles to be collected and thrown out.

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The Choice

love belly

image by Adam Selwood

 

Fingers splayed wide and palm protectively pressed to her belly, she stood, shocked into silence, staring at the stranger before her, a stranger who, until moments before, had been her husband. Her eyes were wide and surely her jaw was dropped—that’s what people said happened in moments of utter disbelief—as the cyclone whirled inside her head, bouncing thoughts around haphazardly, collecting unrelated debris and shattering existing intellectual structures in its path of mental deconstruction.

Surely she must have felt this storm rising; nothing comes from nothing, there must have been warning signs that she ignored. But while the tempest swirled across her mental landscape, outwardly she made no movement, no sound, perhaps not even a blink of her eye as she stood riveted to the spot where she stood, looking at the man she thought she knew.

Regaining awareness of her physical body, she groped blindly behind her, right hand still protectively shielding her belly, and found a dining room chair with her outstretched left fingertips. She sank gratefully into its stability and closed her eyes momentarily, taking a few deep breaths. He too seemed compelled to sit, as if, perhaps, shocked and, to a certain extent, relieved by his own proclamation.

The argument between them had bounced back and forth over the course of multiple hours; it was approaching midnight and the first iron had been struck shortly before she had tucked her three year old daughter in bed. Neither party was innocent in this battle, both had grievances to air, complaints that had been festering for quite some time—years, she had just been informed.

Exhausted, she needed the battle to halt, not forever—she knew that was an impossibility—but long enough for her mind to readjust to the latest thrust.

She did not reopen her eyes until she could feel some of the color coming back into her cheeks, until she could again sense the steady heartbeat that thumped beneath her breast, until she felt that words—not screams—would come from her mouth. When she did finally peel back the curtain shielding her from the reality sitting before her, she took in the scene in an objective way.

The house was dim, only one reading lamp illuminated the family room behind her and countertop light shone from the kitchen to her left, the rest was engulfed in a quiet but now peaceful gloom. The yelling was over. There would be no need for more.

She looked down at her hands, resting one inside the other in her lap, curled under where soon her belly would expand to make room for the new life growing within. She imagined those hands holding her baby, caressing a cheek, running them through soft hair, holding a tiny hand in her own—and she bit back on her tears. She was done crying. She was done fighting. She was done trying to change his mind. The choice was now with her and she knew there was no real choice to be made.

She looked up at his face, weary, worn, exhausted—unhappy. How long had he looked this way and she had just not noticed? How long had he been silently telling her he needed to leave? How long had his resentment seethed beneath the surface before it bubbled forth and erupted on her consciousness as it had this night?

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, certain of the truth behind her words, but not entirely sure what that sorrow actually expressed.

He looked at her through red-rimmed eyes—although no tears had fallen it was clear that the emotional turmoil of the night had taken its toll on him as well. “I can’t do this again. I just can’t.” His eyes pleaded with her to understand the feelings he could not find the words to express: exhaustion, desperation, imprisonment, resentment, animosity, indifference, detachment. Her anger of moments earlier dissipated looking into his eyes and was replaced with sorrow tinged with compassion.

He’d offered her a choice, but the choice he had voiced was not truly what he wanted; it was what he felt was the only option he could decently express.

It sounded simple enough, but when she looked in his eyes and saw no trace of love, when she thought back to the things he had said—yes, people say what they regret during the course of an argument, but the rarely say what they don’t mean—when they fought earlier that evening, the choice he voiced was not truly the one he was offering.

His mouth said, “It’s me or the baby. You choose.” But his eyes could not lie, “I don’t want either of you. Let me go,” they pleaded. She could not ignore the testimony of those eyes.

“You offer me no real choice here. It’s not the baby you don’t want. It’s this…” right hand sweeping across the landscape of the house, encompassing the life they had created over the past 10 years. “I understand that. I know you think I don’t, but I do. You offer me no real choice when you tell me that you haven’t loved me for years or that you resent me for being pregnant with our child.” She returned her palm possessively to the baby growing within her. “Even if I were willing to consider your choice, what guarantee do I have that you wouldn’t decide this life isn’t what you want anyway? Then I would have sacrificed this life I have wanted for so long on the alter of your confusion. You want your freedom? You can have it. I’m keeping my child.”

His voice cracked slightly as he spoke, “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I’m sure you didn’t—but you have. I’d like to say that I won’t harbor anger towards you for this, but I will. I’d like to say that I forgive you for this, but I can’t—not yet. Someday I will, but not for a long time.” She looked back down to her hands, wiping the moisture from her palms onto her skirt, engrossed in the action.

Silently he pushed back the chair from the table and stood. “I’m the world’s worst father. You don’t need me anyway.” With that her turned from the room, grabbed his jacket and walked out the front door, closing it gently behind him.

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Filed under ancient history, children, memory, parenting